I’m typically honest to a fault, it’s disgusting. I have however written myself a blank check when it comes to the absolute faintest of white lies and dating.
After four plus years of living (and dating) in Latin America, this is a strategy born of necessity. There is only the slightest-of-friction in dating styles between the hyper-productive U.S. culture I come from — a country that streamlines romance with efficiency (because true love is a numbers game). And the more relaxed south-of-the-border approach where there’s always tomorrow, and if not tomorrow, then how about the day after.
An expat straddling both cultures and left to my own devices, I knew it was about time I figured out how to navigate dating in Buenos Aires. I wasn’t in California anymore.
This is where the white lies come into play.
Dating in another language, the cards are already stacked against you, so I’ve granted myself the creative freedom to be a little more liberal with translations.
Like, for instance, I might accidentally translate “ex boyfriend” into “friend” when my date inevitably asks if I’ve been to an Argentine football game, and I have to explain why I know a weird amount about Vélez Sarsfield. My ex doesn’t need to make an appearance on our first date. Big Vélez fan, that friend of mine.
There also might be the tiniest chance that at some point during every first date, I conveniently forget anything I know about Argentine politics. A realization upon which I open my eyes wide, blink a couple of times, and ask my date to explain, because it’s all just so confusing (blink).
How they describe the current administration is a goldmine into their political views that would normally take longer to suss out. Playing dumb about the $LIBRA crypto scandal is efficiency at its finest.
Their response brings me to the most important and absolute smallest of all the white lies: Jess’ birthday.
Anybody who’s dated in Argentina for half a second knows the non-committal “vamos viendo” when you’re trying to nail down plans. You can go weeks without a definite answer, and then you’ll get a Tuesday evening text asking if you’re free to grab a drink right now. The date will begin at 9 p.m. and you’ll most likely be sat across them until midnight.
The thing with a country that doesn’t make plans (Exhibit A: The Argentine economy. Exhibit B: Trying to figure out how long of “un rato” it will be until the plumber arrives), is that nobody has anywhere to be.
Thus the paradox of Argentine dating — once you’ve finally gotten the impossible-to-pin-down date to commit to a time and a place, how do you then get away from said date in under three hours?
In the U.S. we love our 45-minute Wednesday morning coffee date planned two weeks in advance with a calendar invite. Transactional? Maybe. Productive? You betchya. Capitalism for the win.
There is no culturally polite way to excuse yourself from the table before the three-hour mark in this country. Believe me, I’ve tried. Honesty doesn’t cut it here — have fun telling your date it’s both a school night, and past your bedtime.
“Right, well, lovely to meet you, but I think that’s a wrap.” Doesn’t work either. Tried that one too.
After serial dating more Porteños than is probably advisable in one lifetime, the only solution I’ve found to have a 100% success rate: Jess’ cumpleaños.
Guidelines for effectively observing Jess’ birthday:*
During the process of planning the date (good luck with that), mention you have a cumple más tarde. Don’t give specifics about where it is and when it starts. Keep it vague. Vagueness is a marvelous resource that Argentines execute as an artform. The Global West could really benefit from the exploitation of vagueness. On the date and eyeing the door? What a shame, would you look at that, you really need to get going because you don’t want to be late for the cumpleaños. Date going well? Blow off the cumple (sorry Jess), then you’re a super fun person who, would you look at that, is just so spontaneous. Who wouldn’t want to date you? *Before implementing Jess’ birthday please consider the following caveats:
a. It’s recommended to only use Jess’ birthday once per individual.
b. Familiarize yourself in advance with the details of Jess’ birthday — such as why your date can’t drop you off in the Uber. Hint: Jess always hosts her parties in the opposite direction of wherever your date is going.
Cumpleaños are like national holidays here. And you know how much the Argentines like their national holidays. Your cumple will be respected without pushback.
Once I’m home after the date, tucked away in bed wearing an oversized pajama shirt and my face creams applied in a circular motion. Lisping through my nightguard, I say out loud, “Great party Jess, you really know how to throw them.”
My friend Jess has a birthday just about every weekend. God knows how old she is by now, but I sure do appreciate her taking one for the team.
